So then...
In the past two weeks, it's pretty much all fall apart.
The thing which I've dedicated my life to.
I've felt sick to my stomach everyday since he told me that he was leaving and even more so when the second one came.

This is just one of those times where I have to really just understand that God has a plan for it all and know that better will come, even if I have to do it all myself until then.

I'm slowly making this thing friends only for those who haven't noticed yet.
Comment to be added.

And talk to me on AIM... I'm bored. ForgotnTruth.

You're worth it all. I'll always dream of you.







Sometimes dreams come true.

Why do I have to still be so in love with her when I know that she'll never be in love with me again?

My heart still races at the sound of her voice
And I'm filled with butterflies at the thought of her
... before it all turns cold again.



What is love without hope? ME

I just did the worst thing I could've possibly done...

I freaked out.

But I wasn't expecting to see her... What am I supposed to do? Every other day I had time to prepare myself first and get it all out of my system. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I promise. I don't know what my problem is... I hope to hear from you sometime this weekend...

This is starting to be absolutely ridiculous. I'm sick of it. I'm consumed by what I wish could be. I let go of it for a short period of time, but then the slightest thing brings it all back and I can't get rid of it for the rest of the day.

What do I have to do? Even if I can't have what I really want, I still long to hear her laugh again, to see her smile, just to know that she's right there. I had a dream last night about her... it had nothing to do with being together though. It was just a dream of us watching a movie... laughing... throwing popcorn at each other... just having fun with her again :) I miss that and it shows to everyone.



I need someone to show me how to be happy again...
I don't even remember how it feels anymore.

AGH!!!

WHAT have I done to make myself feel like this?! I was feeling so much better the other day... Now I'm right back where I started. Geez. I hate it. I wish it would all stop... even if I can't have what I really want. God, I wish I could though. I wish miracles still happened for me. That stopped a long time ago. I think the whole "living" miracle used up my last one.

Eyes tear
Shade of red
And I won't ever see you again
I guess thats for the best
Cause I never want to see you with him

My ears bleed
Shade of red
And I won't ever hear you again
I'll never hear you say... that you love him

My nose runs
Shade of red
Never smell your sweet perfume
These happy days have all gone by
These happy days aren't yours and mine

What do you do when all you can do is wake up and die
What do I do when every single song I hear reminds me of you
Why do I keep doing this to myself
And I'm asking these questions
And I'll keep staring and screaming up into the sky
Until I find you

My mouth bleed shade of red
And I wont ever taste your lips
Those cotton candy kisses of death

And last but not least
I wont ever touch your skin
Just one last touch but you've been contaminated
So never again

What do you do when all you can do is wake up and die
What do I do when every single song I hear reminds me of you
Why do I keep doing this to myself
And I'm asking these questions
and I'll keep staring and screaming up into the sky

Why do I keep doing this to myself
And I'm asking these questions
And I'll keep staring and screaming up into the sky
Until I find you

Seems oddly familiar. Huh? I know exactly what he meant in the song... but more. Great song, but once again, it hits a little too close to home. Hearing stuff like that won't help me do what I have to do... I just wish I didn't have to do it. I don't want to end up how I fear I will.

How long will it take?
I'm losing strength again

Wow... It hit me SO hard today when everyone started talking to me about it at work. I hate it when that happens because it's impossible for to fake it when it does, at least for me...



At practice tonight, I figured out that I'm STILL not able to write. I just can't focus on what to write about because all I can think about is this one thing... and I don't want to write how I feel about all that.

Do you have to be depressed to write a sad song? Do you have to be in love to write a love song? Is the song better if it really happened to you? That's how it's always been with me. The best in me comes out when it's expressing what's inside me, but right now, I feel love but it's not love that's returned... which leads me to sadness. I refuse to write a sad love song about her though. Anything I've ever wrote about her has been so warm, comforting, and uplifting. It's hard to see it another way. I still love the sound of her voice... and long to be close to her one last time. Maybe I just won't write again for awhile...

Yeah... So I'm trying to get out of my slump of negative posts. Even if my life isn't how I wish it was, it's still my life and only I can live it... So help me out here. Reply with your favorite memory of me and I'll tell you my favorite of you... even if we don't have many. I figure it'll bring me some happy thoughts and that's what I'm workin towards right now :)

On another note, Happy Halloween... yet another year that I won't be dressing up or participating in it. I'm so deprived, lol.

Wow

I'm becoming a nameless stranger even faster than I thought.
Everything I can do, it seems he does better...
I have nothing to offer.

Another reason why I failed.
Another reason why I don't have you...



but still love you so much


The hardest thing in the world to do is look into the eyes of the person you love and see that they don't feel he same about you anymore... Or to hear their voice and not hear the words "I love you" as if you were the only person who they would ever say it to again.

I can't believe I've been replaced so easily
I'm nothing
I meant nothing
I left nothing but pain and regrets with her
WHY did I have to fail the one time it was too much to bear?

Ugh... I can't write anymore... It's all gone.



I think I realized something today...
It's all coming back... not what I've been referring to. Not the emotions and such. The're still there. They always will be.
I'm talking about me now. I'm coming back. The old me. All that I had escaped from. I can feel it. They were right. I don't want that but it's so hard not to when I have nothing else to aim for.

Help. I can't be like that again. I won't be.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."



THOSE were my mistakes
That's why I failed YOU
That's why it's not so easy for me
And why it hurts everytime I see you
Everytime that I don't get the chance
Or that my head echoes with those piercing words that you said to me



It's also why I have to hold you as close as you'll let me
Because if I don't risk everything for you by staying by you, I could lose even more.

Does anyone know where I can take some sleeping lessons at... if there even is such a thing??? If not, someone should invent it, because I'd take them in a heart beat...

I wake each day
Only to die once more

I keep feeling more and more like it was a mistake to come back. I could be anywhere I wanted to be right now and wouldn't have to acknowledge any of this...

I've now realized that I also can't listen to one of my new favorite songs anymore, "The Ponytail Parades" - Emery. Great song, but now that I took not of the words, it touches too close to home and I just don't feel like losing my breath everytime I hear it. On to new songs again I guess.

I still wanna talk to you about some other things. It's nothing bad or annoying. Just some things that I want to get off my chest that I'm uncertain about...



three sleepless nights
this isn't how it's supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time
to get back to me

i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you
but you changed me

it doesn't feel right
holding someone else's hand
together on phone lines
and living at two opposite ends

it scares me to think that you could find takers
other than me
and better than me

but your head is elsewhere
and i'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see it's not so easy for me

your careless
and whisper
insulting
and bruising

and i thought
that you said
things were improving

these laces are untied
but my feet are still walking away
away

i never thought that you could say these words
is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends)

erase my name from this page
how can you take all these days
and throw them away
as i sit here waiting for you
i stay up nights
until stars leave the sky
knowing what my dreams can take away

what is inside me what have i done
is this the only way that you will notice me
dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you
if you are still pretending this is what's right
why can't you look at me can you only see
one side, your side, can take away

walk away from me
this night is done

I think I'm finally getting to the point to where I can start to fool everyone... Except for you.

Really, during the day today I felt a little better. I had some talks with a few people and decided to try to clear my head with the fella's tonight. It worked a little... while it lasted. Then of course comes the long nights again. Why can't a just be asleep and escape in my dreams like a normal person instead of being haunted by the dreams of what I wish could've been... and what really is.

What'd I tell ya?
... The one that got away after all

"... i'm not in love with you anymore."

That's the very moment that I hit the bottom.

I hope none of you ever have to hear that from the person you're in love with during this lifetime. No one should ever have to feel every feeling and thought that is attatched to those words. The worst part is, when you hear it, it echoes in your head, so it's like you hear it a hundred times a day and fall all over again... Never having a chance to stand on your own two feet again... Never even having a chance.

It's even worse when you don't know how to stop loving the person that said it...

I never thought that you could say these words
Is this really happening?

I'm trapped in this nightmare.

WHY can't I do anything right with you anymore? What the hell have I done?

Why am I so damn unappealling? How can I manage to turn such great love into hate without even having a chance to? Why do I have to be cursed with THIS of all things?

God, what I talked with you about on my way back Sunday, I completely meant. I'm done with you. Never again. I'm tired of you fucking ignoring the things that I want most of all. It's over. If you won't help me, I'll get through fucking life without you... because you seem to be already making me do it. I'll never know why. What the hell have I done to you? One answered prayer would've been enough... ONE... or is that to fucking much for you???

I'm sorry
I'm done
I've got nothing left here
I have to get out of here now
It was a mistake to come back

Because I can't wake up from a dream each morning with a smile on my face because I was dreaming of you and then hit rock bottom once reality sets in. It's too much. I love you with all of my heart and I can't live life without it, so now I'm gonna do what you taught me... I'm going to run. I'm going to run until I forget what I ran from... I'm sorry. It's too hard.

I'll always love you and miss you.

Some scars you make up stories about
to impress those around you
Others, like this one
You try to forget that you ever had it
But never truly can

No one will ever leave a scar quite like you

I wish I could know what answers the future holds... because now that I've lost my hopes and direction, I'm more weary of what's to come than I've ever been. I want to find a way to approach life with that same zeal again. The same excitement. But I can't. I don't know how to.

I'm too torn... too battered... too broken.

This is the first wound I've ever had that I don't know how to heal. Everything I've tried to do to help mend it has only opened it more. The scariest part is, the only person that seems to give me any relief from it all is the very person that put this hole in me... and that scares the hell out of me. It's like I begin to open up and almost smile a little, but then I realize what I'm doing... I'm letting her in... trusting her with this wound and I don't know if I can put that much trust in her. I'm too afraid.

But I want to...
I want to let her back in
I want to have her
I'll never have that though
All because I was so foolish to give her that one moment to doubt me
WHY did I do that??? What was I thinking?

Now I'm not worth it... I'm not worth a damn thing... I'm sorry I failed you and myself. I thought I could do it. I still think I can... but now I'm not worth the risk.

I'm not worth trusting with your heart anymore...

... Love slowly bleeds me dry

After almost 20 hours of pointless wandering and spending a few hours with an old friend, I'm back. While I still haven't found a way to achieve what I've been trying to do, all the time to myself did make me realize a few things, mostly that what I was doing was the wrong thing because the further away I got, the more my feelings tore away at me.

The further away I got, the more I realized that if I ran now, everything inside me would just be bottled up... It would never truly heal and although it might never heal even though I'm here, I know that here there's at least a hope that it will happen.

I also know that I never want to be someone that you lose in your life... I don't want to turn into another nameless stranger who's face you'll forget in a days time. I want to always be there for you if ever you need me... because if I can't be there for you in the ways that you want me to be, how can I ever expect you to be there for me in the ways that I want you to be?

No matter how much it hurts or even if this feeling changes me for a life time, I'll be here. I'll be by you in any way that you'll let me.



I can tell you one thing for sure. The man that said "It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...



He never loved like this.



The thought of you being with someone else still eats me alive... That you're letting someone else closer than your willing to let me. I'll never know why you can't give me that. It's like a punishment for ever being close to you... Like because I was so close then, I can't be now. Not even in the least bit. I'm gone. I wish I could stop loving you so that I won't have to feel this every day that I wake up, but I can't... I don't know how to... Or I wish that I had never let us get so close...

Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much to love you like I do.

It's so hard to not tell her how much I love her.



To not reach out and hold her.



... And to know that I'll never be able to again.
Not even for one moment. Not even in a dream.

The closest she'll ever be to me again is a friend. Nothing more.
But I'll never see her like that.
She'll always be the one that carries my heart and the only one that I could give everything to.

Every day
Every moment
Every smile
Every kiss
Every laugh
Every tear
Every hope and dream
Every touch

Everything...

Why can't I have more than this? Why can't I have you? Everytime I hear your voice, I long for you... Everytime I see your face, I want to kiss you. Everytime I feel your presense, I want to hold you... And everytime I think of you, the thought never fades.

What's worse? Losing her or knowing that I was so easily replaced? That I was no where near what I thought I was to her... that I don't even make a blip on the radar now?

I'm just old news... Just another guy who's picture is lost somewhere in a little box somewhere.



I finally let go of there fear of losing you to another guy... and look what happened. Why? I'll never understand... Ever.

Damn you... I still don't know what to do. I can't be losing you again of all people... I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and get back to the dream of being with you.

Fuck him.
Fuck them.
Fuck me for letting it happen again.

Pretty soon, I'll just be another one of those faceless people in your dreams. Someone that youll forget as soon as you wake up. But I'll never forget you. No one ever had my whole heart like you did... and no one left a scar as big as yours either. All these people keep trying to help mend me, but only one person can... you. But I'm not sure if I'll have the strength to face you again. I hope I do. I can't let go of you. If I do, I can't even imagine where you might go... because look at where you've when while I was still holding on...